Collin’s grand birthday
It was the grand eleventh birthday of Collin, commonly known as Rich-ard, which was pronounced by everyone “Richard”, because everyone thinks he is rich. There were balloons everywhere, and there were many people there too. Collin smiled sweetly at everyone that came in and especially at his classmates that they even bothered to go there. Then, when his “arch rival”, Clovis, arrived, he made a horrible face at him and thumbed his nose. Just when he did that, his mother came out and saw what he did. She pulled his ear and dragged him back to the bungalow, giving him what he calls a ‘lecture’. Clovis was not welcomed by Collin to Collin’s birthday. It was not Collin who invited Clovis; it was Collin’s mother who invited him.
More than a week ago, Collin’s mother and Clovis’s mother met and they exchanged phone numbers. Collin’s mother talked about Collin’s birthday just round the corner, and of course Clovis’s mother got hooked, so they agreed that Clovis would turn up at spoilt little Collin’s birthday.
Clovis stood there, half-flabbergasted by Collin’s action, half-happy that Collin was scolded for his naughty action. Clovis was actually a typical happy student in school. But most of the time he does not hand in his homework in time, but he still has many friends. Collin was one of his friends, but ever since the incident where Clovis was just shifting his chair position, and knocked Collin by accident. Even after a thousand apologies, Collin had his mind set on breaking up the 3-year friendship. Clovis was sad on that day, that he lost his friend. Then, he cried on that day. From then on, he slowly matured. So Clovis ignored Collin’s action coolly.
Clovis still stood there, amazed by the gigantic garden, and he stood there envying the huge bungalow with decorations all over. It sure is big, Clovis thought, just then, Clovis’s best friend, Bryan, came out and grabbed Clovis. Clovis was stunned by Bryan’s quick action, and before he knew it he was in the house playing Nintendo Wii with Bryan and two others. Collin received many presents, some were in the form of a large parcel, some were long and thin, some looked like they contained books, and he just could not wait to open the presents. Then, his mother gave him the “be good” look, and almost instantly Collin changed his mind. He wanted to play his Nintendo Wii now.
When Collin went to the living room to play his Wii, Bryan was playing Collin’s favorite game using Collin’s favorite controller. Collin asked Bryan to pass the controller over with an impatient tone, and Bryan thumbed his nose, just like Collin did, and said: “No way am I going to let you drag my score down Richard!” Collin was infuriated. He stormed to the kitchen, and told his mother all about what Bryan did. Bryan was pretty scared at that point in time, because Collin’s mother was notoriously fierce when someone bad was done.
“Mom! Bryan just thumbed his nose at me when I nicely asked him whether I can take over his bowling character, and he said ‘No way am I going to let you drag my score down Richard!’ He is so mean!”
Collin’s mother went up to Bryan’s mother, and told her what little Collin exaggerated.
Bryan overheard both conversations, and got scared that he would be punished. Then, he thought of a plan of revenge. Bryan’s mother stared at him with a fierce pair of eyes, then he shuddered. What if I get into trouble? Bryan thought. Then, he resolved the problem. Framing Clovis would be: getting him out of trouble; letting Clovis take the blame; plus getting his revenge on the arrogant Collin. He grinned, and said to himself: Collin, watch out. And the more he thought about it, the evil smile on his face got bigger and bigger. He thought about how Collin would cry and cry, which was music to his ears. He wanted revenge.
Clovis stopped playing Wii, and went to get some dinner. Collin rushed to pick up the controller, just then, Bryan shifted the controller behind his back. Collin got angry, and started trying to grab the controller. Bryan lifted the controller, therefore taunting poor little Collin. Collin got impatient after several attempts to get his controller. Bryan had his fun for now, I should get ready for the trick, Bryan thought. He passed the controller to Collin, and he delightfully accepted it. Collin took over both Clovis’s and Bryan’s controller, so he had two turns. Bryan sneaked into Collin’s indoor pool. He let out a sigh of awe, as the pool was beautiful. There were many plants around too. Bryan turned away from the pool, and tried to find the power switch for the pool’s room lighting. He found a power socket, holding a plug, in which the power cable was concealed behind the cable casing, leading all the way to the a2ppliance. Knowing that he would not be able to pull out the plug and at the same time push Collin which would supposedly be at the edge of the pool, Bryan took a thin, long tree leaf, and tied it to the plug, serving as a string to pull out the plug, in order to be able to reach the edge of the pool and the leaf. He then went to eat his dinner, not knowing that Clovis was watching. Clovis pitied poor Collin as he was about to mark that event as his worst birthday ever. Subsequently, Clovis was angry at Bryan as he was shocked Bryan was so black-hearted to do such a thing to Collin.
Dinner was a scrumptious buffet, loaded with a variety of food, and a jazz band playing relaxing songs on the stage. The dining room was around twice the size of a normal five room apartment. It had a stage, a large table, a conveyor belt which went round and round with a button that can stop it. Collin, the birthday boy, sat at the end of the table. Clovis sat somewhere closer to his own parents, and he was digging in. Bryan kept thinking about his trap, it was going to be so funny, but he could not stop thinking about how miserable Collin would be. Collin was still eating his dinner, when Bryan put on his swimming trunks and went swimming. He waited in the pool for Collin, and soon, Collin went into in the indoor swimming pool room, and started playing his iPhone games, but not swimming. Actually, Collin was not really a strong swimmer. Clovis was swimming too. He started eating his dinner earlier, so he could swim in the pool alone first. Clovis was swimming in the pool when Bryan came. Clovis knew what was going to happen.
When Bryan saw Collin, he hurriedly got up, and took hold of the leaf. Collin went in front of Clovis, who was in the pool, and Collin shouted to him: “That’s all you’ve got? Come on, swim faster!” So when Collin returned to his game, he carelessly stood at the edge of the pool.
Bryan, still holding the leaf, tugged it and pushed Collin into the pool. The lights went off instantly, and Collin was clinging on to the edge of the pool. Bryan put the lights back on, and everyone saw how drenched Collin was, and how his iPhone sank to the bottom of the pool. Collin’s grip slipped from the edge of the pool. Bryan, acting as the hero, dived into the pool to ‘save’ Collin. When Collin was safe, he swam to the bottom of the pool to get Collin’s iPhone. Collin was crying, and beside him were many guests, which tried to comfort him but to no avail. Finally, Bryan, acting nice, went up to Collin and comforted him. He said that it was Clovis, and just then Clovis came from the pool after the ‘blackout’. He heard what Bryan said, then he made his stand. Everyone listened, Bryan’s mother stared at Bryan, and Bryan, ‘saving’ Collin and his iPhone, and looking like a hero, his impression by the guests transformed from a hero to a mean little kid. Bryan was emotionless, and he showed no signs of being guilty at all.
“Give it up Bryan, we all know now that you are the culprit. Just own up!” Clovis said. “I was watching you the whole time you were doing the prank!”
"I really did not do it! Don’t sabotage me!" Bryan denied.
"Oh yeah? I am not sabotaging you at all! Well then, let’s take a look at the tape of the camera Collin has in this very room!" Clovis smartly suggested.
Everyone looked at the tape in Collin's parents' room, and saw Bryan preparing the trick.
“Fine! I did it!” Bryan exclaimed. The next thing he knew, he had a red mark across his left cheek, and he was in his parents’ car, taking the route back home. Collin was comforted further by Clovis, and Collin was touched that Clovis cared about him. The next day, which was a school day, Clovis and Collin became best of friends.
Character Sheet:
Name Description 1 2 3
Collin The birthday boy Spoilt, picky Immature, gets angry easily over small matters. Petty, gets impatient quickly
Bryan The prankster Mischievous Self-Important Always revenging
Clovis Collin’s arch enemy, later his best friend Sense of right and wrong Mature Does Justice
The event whereby Collin gets angry at Bryan for not letting him play his computer game shows that Collin gets angry easily, is impatient, and
Bryan only thinks about himself, and that means that he is self-important, and it can be seen when he thinks about framing Clovis for his own mischievous act.
Bryan actually thinks fast, as he instantly comes up with an evil idea to humiliate Collin.
The action whereas Collin angrily asks Bryan to pass the controller but he refused and Collin stormed off to tell his mother, shows that Collin is picky, he gets impatient quickly, and he gets angry easily over small matters.
The action whereas Clovis automatically goes and has his dinner, shows that he knows what should be done and when it should be done, which is an act of maturity.
Clovis has a sense of right and wrong, shown when he does justice and makes the villain suffer.
Comment by Ken Zho
The storyline isn't bad, but here are some things to consider: If Bryan was Clovis's friend, even if he was self important, would he have framed clovis? And when clovis sees Bryan preparing the trick, wouldn't he have told the others straight away? Or tried to stop Bryan? Why or why not? (U have to work on his personality here)
It was the grand eleventh birthday of Collin, commonly known as Rich-ard, which was pronounced by everyone “Richard”, because everyone thinks he is rich. There were balloons everywhere, and there were many people there too. Collin smiled sweetly at everyone that came in and especially at his classmates that they even bothered to go there. Then, when his “arch rival”, Clovis, arrived, he made a horrible face at him and thumbed his nose. Just when he did that, his mother came out and saw what he did. She pulled his ear and dragged him back to the bungalow, giving him what he calls a ‘lecture’. Clovis was not welcomed by Collin to Collin’s birthday. It was not Collin who invited Clovis; it was Collin’s mother who invited him.
More than a week ago, Collin’s mother and Clovis’s mother met and they exchanged phone numbers. Collin’s mother talked about Collin’s birthday just round the corner, and of course Clovis’s mother got hooked, so they agreed that Clovis would turn up at spoilt little Collin’s birthday.
Clovis stood there, half-flabbergasted by Collin’s action, half-happy that Collin was scolded for his naughty action. Clovis was actually a typical happy student in school. But most of the time he does not hand in his homework in time, but he still has many friends. Collin was one of his friends, but ever since the incident where Clovis was just shifting his chair position, and knocked Collin by accident. Even after a thousand apologies, Collin had his mind set on breaking up the 3-year friendship. Clovis was sad on that day, that he lost his friend. Then, he cried on that day. From then on, he slowly matured. So Clovis ignored Collin’s action coolly.
Clovis still stood there, amazed by the gigantic garden, and he stood there envying the huge bungalow with decorations all over. It sure is big, Clovis thought, just then, Clovis’s best friend, Bryan, came out and grabbed Clovis. Clovis was stunned by Bryan’s quick action, and before he knew it he was in the house playing Nintendo Wii with Bryan and two others. Collin received many presents, some were in the form of a large parcel, some were long and thin, some looked like they contained books, and he just could not wait to open the presents. Then, his mother gave him the “be good” look, and almost instantly Collin changed his mind. He wanted to play his Nintendo Wii now.
When Collin went to the living room to play his Wii, Bryan was playing Collin’s favorite game using Collin’s favorite controller. Collin asked Bryan to pass the controller over with an impatient tone, and Bryan thumbed his nose, just like Collin did, and said: “No way am I going to let you drag my score down Richard!” Collin was infuriated. He stormed to the kitchen, and told his mother all about what Bryan did. Bryan was pretty scared at that point in time, because Collin’s mother was notoriously fierce when someone bad was done.
“Mom! Bryan just thumbed his nose at me when I nicely asked him whether I can take over his bowling character, and he said ‘No way am I going to let you drag my score down Richard!’ He is so mean!”
Collin’s mother went up to Bryan’s mother, and told her what little Collin exaggerated.
Bryan overheard both conversations, and got scared that he would be punished. Then, he thought of a plan of revenge. Bryan’s mother stared at him with a fierce pair of eyes, then he shuddered. What if I get into trouble? Bryan thought. Then, he resolved the problem. Framing Clovis would be: getting him out of trouble; letting Clovis take the blame; plus getting his revenge on the arrogant Collin. He grinned, and said to himself: Collin, watch out. And the more he thought about it, the evil smile on his face got bigger and bigger. He thought about how Collin would cry and cry, which was music to his ears. He wanted revenge.
Clovis stopped playing Wii, and went to get some dinner. Collin rushed to pick up the controller, just then, Bryan shifted the controller behind his back. Collin got angry, and started trying to grab the controller. Bryan lifted the controller, therefore taunting poor little Collin. Collin got impatient after several attempts to get his controller. Bryan had his fun for now, I should get ready for the trick, Bryan thought. He passed the controller to Collin, and he delightfully accepted it. Collin took over both Clovis’s and Bryan’s controller, so he had two turns. Bryan sneaked into Collin’s indoor pool. He let out a sigh of awe, as the pool was beautiful. There were many plants around too. Bryan turned away from the pool, and tried to find the power switch for the pool’s room lighting. He found a power socket, holding a plug, in which the power cable was concealed behind the cable casing, leading all the way to the a2ppliance. Knowing that he would not be able to pull out the plug and at the same time push Collin which would supposedly be at the edge of the pool, Bryan took a thin, long tree leaf, and tied it to the plug, serving as a string to pull out the plug, in order to be able to reach the edge of the pool and the leaf. He then went to eat his dinner, not knowing that Clovis was watching. Clovis pitied poor Collin as he was about to mark that event as his worst birthday ever. Subsequently, Clovis was angry at Bryan as he was shocked Bryan was so black-hearted to do such a thing to Collin.
Dinner was a scrumptious buffet, loaded with a variety of food, and a jazz band playing relaxing songs on the stage. The dining room was around twice the size of a normal five room apartment. It had a stage, a large table, a conveyor belt which went round and round with a button that can stop it. Collin, the birthday boy, sat at the end of the table. Clovis sat somewhere closer to his own parents, and he was digging in. Bryan kept thinking about his trap, it was going to be so funny, but he could not stop thinking about how miserable Collin would be. Collin was still eating his dinner, when Bryan put on his swimming trunks and went swimming. He waited in the pool for Collin, and soon, Collin went into in the indoor swimming pool room, and started playing his iPhone games, but not swimming. Actually, Collin was not really a strong swimmer. Clovis was swimming too. He started eating his dinner earlier, so he could swim in the pool alone first. Clovis was swimming in the pool when Bryan came. Clovis knew what was going to happen.
When Bryan saw Collin, he hurriedly got up, and took hold of the leaf. Collin went in front of Clovis, who was in the pool, and Collin shouted to him: “That’s all you’ve got? Come on, swim faster!” So when Collin returned to his game, he carelessly stood at the edge of the pool.
Bryan, still holding the leaf, tugged it and pushed Collin into the pool. The lights went off instantly, and Collin was clinging on to the edge of the pool. Bryan put the lights back on, and everyone saw how drenched Collin was, and how his iPhone sank to the bottom of the pool. Collin’s grip slipped from the edge of the pool. Bryan, acting as the hero, dived into the pool to ‘save’ Collin. When Collin was safe, he swam to the bottom of the pool to get Collin’s iPhone. Collin was crying, and beside him were many guests, which tried to comfort him but to no avail. Finally, Bryan, acting nice, went up to Collin and comforted him. He said that it was Clovis, and just then Clovis came from the pool after the ‘blackout’. He heard what Bryan said, then he made his stand. Everyone listened, Bryan’s mother stared at Bryan, and Bryan, ‘saving’ Collin and his iPhone, and looking like a hero, his impression by the guests transformed from a hero to a mean little kid. Bryan was emotionless, and he showed no signs of being guilty at all.
“Give it up Bryan, we all know now that you are the culprit. Just own up!” Clovis said. “I was watching you the whole time you were doing the prank!”
"I really did not do it! Don’t sabotage me!" Bryan denied.
"Oh yeah? I am not sabotaging you at all! Well then, let’s take a look at the tape of the camera Collin has in this very room!" Clovis smartly suggested.
Everyone looked at the tape in Collin's parents' room, and saw Bryan preparing the trick.
“Fine! I did it!” Bryan exclaimed. The next thing he knew, he had a red mark across his left cheek, and he was in his parents’ car, taking the route back home. Collin was comforted further by Clovis, and Collin was touched that Clovis cared about him. The next day, which was a school day, Clovis and Collin became best of friends.
Character Sheet:
Name Description 1 2 3
Collin The birthday boy Spoilt, picky Immature, gets angry easily over small matters. Petty, gets impatient quickly
Bryan The prankster Mischievous Self-Important Always revenging
Clovis Collin’s arch enemy, later his best friend Sense of right and wrong Mature Does Justice
The event whereby Collin gets angry at Bryan for not letting him play his computer game shows that Collin gets angry easily, is impatient, and
Bryan only thinks about himself, and that means that he is self-important, and it can be seen when he thinks about framing Clovis for his own mischievous act.
Bryan actually thinks fast, as he instantly comes up with an evil idea to humiliate Collin.
The action whereas Collin angrily asks Bryan to pass the controller but he refused and Collin stormed off to tell his mother, shows that Collin is picky, he gets impatient quickly, and he gets angry easily over small matters.
The action whereas Clovis automatically goes and has his dinner, shows that he knows what should be done and when it should be done, which is an act of maturity.
Clovis has a sense of right and wrong, shown when he does justice and makes the villain suffer.
Comment by Ken Zho
The storyline isn't bad, but here are some things to consider: If Bryan was Clovis's friend, even if he was self important, would he have framed clovis? And when clovis sees Bryan preparing the trick, wouldn't he have told the others straight away? Or tried to stop Bryan? Why or why not? (U have to work on his personality here)